To Kill Your Darlings

On Among Sinners, A Hospital for Souls, and picking yourself back up after ‘failure’.

Introduction

When I finished Among Sinners nearly a year ago, I was convinced it was going to change the world. I think any artist who pours every drop of their soul into their writing would hope for the same of their work, since creating it changed your life, and you would want the same for those reading it.

Among Sinners is the most intimate and personal thing I have ever created. It’s an exploration of my relationship with the man who has long acted as my muse, Death, and how I learned to think for myself after we initially said our goodbyes over a decade ago. Of course, Among Sinners itself is entirely fictional, but the basis of the story isn’t. It was entrenched with my own lived experience, and it oozed with the pain I had no other choice but to overcome entirely on my own. It was cathartic being able to witness my healing journey from an outside perspective, and it really allowed me to come to terms with just how hard it was to get my life to this point; where it’s an experience to be lived rather than some kind of trial to be overcome.

But, the thing about Among Sinners is that it was that exact allure that made it impossible for me to share it.

It was too personal.

It got to the point where my entire self worth hinged on what other people thought of it, and I could no longer separate criticism (or lack thereof) of it from myself. So, upon realizing this, I knew I had to shelve Among Sinners and work on something that would allow me to get back into the heart of why I write, being, the true version of Dante’s story, A Hospital for Souls.

And there’s a lot I’ve learned about myself in the process.

The Meat and Potatoes

I am a very passionate person, to the point where it bleeds into everything I touch whether it be writing, work, or even school. I have been told a countless amount of times how much of a lover (and not a fighter) I am, and I am a hopeless romantic in every sense of the term. I love the idea of yearning for something (or even someone else), and I often like to imagine an idealized version of my life after I accomplish all my ungodly aspirations like securing an agent, book deal, and making the New York Times Bestseller List on my debut. While it’s true all of these things are very well achievable, there is also an element of readiness, divine timing, and luck that comes into play that I can’t exactly control. And if you know anything about me, you’ll know how much I love to control everything as a means to prevent myself from repeating the same heartbreaks I have endured in the past.

But the thing about holding onto something so tightly you begin to bleed, is that it makes you so fucking miserable the longer you keep your hands caught against the edge.

And sometimes, that hardest thing you can do is just let go.

I wouldn’t call the fact I didn’t get the results I wanted out of querying Among Sinners as failure, even if one could categorize it in that way. It just simply is not the right project, it simply isn’t the right time, and knowing how agonizing querying was in the eight months I did it, I don’t think I was ready for it either. This attempt at querying was my first serious swing, and it did teach me things I’m thankful for now in hindsight. I’m not a one trick pony either, so even though I didn’t get what I wanted out of the process this go around, that doesn’t mean I’m simply going to give up when, arguably, I am the most stubborn man alive.

But, the one thing about realizing all of this?

It absolutely fucking sucked.

I was convinced that Among Sinners was the project that would open every single door that had previously been shut in my face. My entire essence believed in this project, and now that I’ve come to realize it’s not going to accomplish all I had hoped it would, it was like grieving a version of myself that no longer exists. Which, would make sense, since I’ve always said that Arabelle is an exploration of myself if I had never transitioned. So, this adds another layer of grief for me to process that is enough to make anyone miserable for a really long time.

But, the thing about my dreams and making them a reality is that I need to stop getting in my own fucking way.

As I’ve said before, I am annoyingly stubborn. My birth chart comprises of nearly 80% of fixed signs, so you know damn well once I make up my mind on something, it’s all but impossible for me to change it unless there is an act of God that forces me to consider another perspective. It’s a trait that comes with good and bad. The good is that it gives me the kind of work ethic that makes it possible to do anything. The bad is that I sometimes think my opinion is the only ‘correct’ one, which cannot simply be true when opinions are entirely subjective. Both of these are true when it comes to my writing career too, as I have the determination to turn lofty ideals into tangible reality. However, on the other head, it often sees me tie my entire self worth as a writer into the works I create, which makes it impossible for me to consider criticism, or that the way I’m going about things are not working.

And what it comes down to is that Among Sinners had fallen victim to that same maladaptive way of thinking, and it was entirely my own fault.

So, where do I got from here?

Learning and Unlearning

I am not afraid to work towards something for years. I am not afraid of the slow and steady approach when it comes to accomplishing my dreams, but sometimes those aspirations are more about the journey rather than the destination. When you finish a project you were always convinced you never would, you get so caught up in in the looming vision of accomplishing all your wildest dreams that you completely forget you still have another mile before you can get there. For a while, it felt as if I had to prove something, or rather someone, wrong. That I had to show people I was worth something, or that my work deserved to take up space despite people telling me the opposite in the past. I’ve come to realize now that such a mindset doesn’t serve me or the work I create. There’s nothing I have to prove in order to be worthy of all I have already accomplished, and really, there is no point in proving myself to someone else if they’ve already made it clear they won’t make the effort to understand me. For so long, I had been convinced that struggle is synonymous to success, and in some sense, that is true. But, if the way I’m going about something isn’t working, why should I continue fighting fate when I can simply take a step back, reassess my strategy, and try again with a clearer picture going forward?

And that’s where A Hospital for Souls comes into play.

Writing What You’ve Always Wanted Instead of What You Think Other People Will Want

To me, Among Sinners was my most marketable book. It made the most objective sense for me to lead with it when querying, as I thought it had the most potential to stick out in already crowded publishing scene. And while, yes, I do still agree that it has a very marketable hook, concept, and plot, that shouldn’t be the reason why I create something or share it with the world. Really, what I think it comes down to is that I finish something and get so caught up in this project being ‘the one’ that I forget about everything else around me. There is a fine line between delusion and aspiration, and I would argue that in order to succeed, you need a healthy dose of both. However, when it comes to the former, sometimes I all but drown in it since I mistake it for confidence. But, true confidence doesn’t need to be proven or prove anything to someone or something else. It’s not built upon a shaky foundation that will crumble the moment you weight another responsibility atop of it.

It’s a steady, measure belief that often goes unseen, but will give you the proper footing to open that door that is just out of your reach.

I was so worried about ‘making it’ that I forgot why I got into writing to begin with. I wasn’t having fun with writing anymore, and having that disconnect always makes me miserable since it gets in the way of what I believe to be my entire life purpose. But, starting now, I’m getting out of my own way. I’m not thinking about querying, bestseller lists, or even publishing at all. The time will come when it’s time for me to get back to work, but my priority (as of right now) is simply getting back on the horse. I want to have fun again. I want to go back to the childlike innocence that saw me get lost in the worlds I would create with my sister back when we needed some kind of escape to survive. And, besides, isn’t it fitting how in the 10 year anniversary of the creation Dante and company (who are the characters that got me into writing) that I write a story that is finally able to properly carry the weight of their gravitas?

In Conclusion

There will come a time where we’ll look back on this post and laugh thinking about how far I’ve come since making it. Who knows, maybe it will be a couple months from now or even a decade after the fact. But, one thing I’m sure about is that the time will come where everything fits perfectly into place, and I’m finally able to reach that same finish line that has always just been out of reach.

But, for now, there’s still work to do and stories to write.

And when the time is right, we’ll see each other on the other side.